Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
