party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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