I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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