More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
