First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
