Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
