Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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