good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
