i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
