I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
