you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
