i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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