He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Help. Why am I so naked?
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