did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
