Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
