I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
