I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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