i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize