Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
