I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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