my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
