Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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