I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
