You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
