atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
