were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize