you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
