I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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