I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
