Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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