Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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