apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
