Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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