Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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