this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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