New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize