He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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