I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
try to milk me bitch
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