It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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