tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
