She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Randomize