Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
