She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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