She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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