none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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