i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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