Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
