You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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