In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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