Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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