the condom got lost in my hair
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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