I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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