Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I FOUND THE LEGS
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
