I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
