were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
