Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize