I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
