saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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