apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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