you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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