Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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